• Posted September 11, 2024

Helicopter Parenting: Spotting It, and Expert Tips to Curb It

It’s natural for a parent to want to protect their children and keep them from harm.

But sometimes this understandable desire crosses over into “helicopter parenting,” an overbearing need to be part of a child’s every decision and dilemma.

“A helicopter parent is often fueled by anxiety, and that anxiety can come in different flavors: anxiety for their child to be safe, successful or not to be emotionally harmed, as well as anxiety to keep up with the Joneses or what their family or culture expects,” said Dr. Laurel Williams, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.

A helicopter parent typically doesn’t allow their child to pursue normal kid behavior on their own. Their instincts cry out for them to make the pathway easier for their kid.

But this actually can hamper their child’s development, Williams said. The child might not learn how to handle failure or disappointment, or how to best interact with other children their age.

Parents would be better off modeling how kids should handle letdowns like not making a sports team or getting a bad grade.

“Be helpful in planning on how this doesn’t happen again, but if you don’t let them handle it on their own, you can delay their development,” Williams said in a Baylor news release.

It’s important to identify when a child is capable of doing some things without adult supervision, like walking to school or going to the mall.

If a kid shows they can be responsible and follow multi-step directions without losing track, they might be prepared for more independence, Williams advises. If they can’t fulfill duties on their own, they might still require more adult supervision.

Williams recommends dry runs -- asking a child to remember to do things at certain times while a parent is around to watch out for them and intervene if things go awry.

“If this goes well, do further dry runs where you do the activity with them, but you don’t tell them what to do and simply walk alongside them to see if they follow the steps you’ve discussed, like getting to school on their own,” Williams said.

Williams also suggests that parents ask kids about the things that worry them, to gauge their response. If the child provides level-headed answers, it might be time to give them a chance to take care of those things on their own.

Parents should also be ready to respond reasonably to gripes from older teenagers that they are overbearing compared to the parents of their friends, Williams said.

A mom or dad can explain why they created the rules, and see if their teen can handle a mature conversation about them. Ask the teen why this situation should change -- such a discussion can help teach them how to negotiate and better understand risks and benefits.

“It doesn’t have to be an emotional decision where you give in right away, so make sure to have the conversation at the appropriate time so you can sit down and talk with your child. This will teach the child patience and delayed gratification,” Williams said.

One last piece of advice -- another adult should avoid calling a helicopter parent on their behavior, Williams said.

“Don’t tell someone they’re a helicopter parent, but instead, approach them in a way to not make them feel judged,” Williams said. “Support them first and see if they’re willing to concede: ‘I notice you often step in when there’s a disagreement on the soccer field, can you help me understand why?’ They might have a good reason, or they might be willing to listen to why their behavior shouldn’t continue.”

SOURCE: Baylor College of Medicine, news release, Sept. 9, 2024